Just when I thought I have given up the urge to blog, here I am again.

I shifted seats today, and as of coming Monday, I'll start on a clean slate in a new team, as mandated by my boss. No matter how he sweetened the way he put it across, it really goes against my wishes:

1. I like my current team and portfolio just nice.
2. I like my current seat.
3. I enjoy the company of the colleagues sitting around me.
4. I'm familiar with what I've been dealing with for the past 1.5 years.

To put it simply, I've gotten so comfortable that the prospects of any change (whether positive or not) isn't exactly welcomed. Plus, I do not like being relegated to sitting beside my boss. Talk about being oppressive.

A totally new chapter this time, and there's a bunch of mixed feelings. Mainly negative ones jostling for a front seat this time.

But I trust the Lord will equip me Amen.

I think I made a breakthrough during CG and fellowship last night. Was debating with myself whether to show up but I'm glad I did. Not only did I get to know some people better, but there was this lesser sense of awkwardness I feel, as if I'm part of the group and not just as an onlooker. And the peeps were real sweet to celebrate and pray for the Jan babies, myself included.

Speaking of which, can't believe I'm turning 24 in another week's time! How did I get to become a quarter of a century old (well, almost) anyway? It feels as if I've only really just started living my life.

And I guess that'll be all for now... :)

Inspired to blog this after CG yesterday afternoon. :)

We talked about our hopes for this 2010, and shared about the challenges we faced/foresee that we'll face.

To say the least, 2009 was a challenging and fulfilling year for me.
It marked my first full year of working life. Thinking back on it, I still remember the struggles and stumbling blocks along the way, battling with self-doubt everyday, and wondering if I'm suitable for my current position or if I'll ever be up to par.

Throughout this entire time, I was too self-occupied, and relying too much on my own efforts. When the outcome wasn't what I wanted, I'd lament to God, and forgot about how mighty He is, and how small my problem was compared to what He can do for me.

I've cried, complained, felt disappointed, belittled, and so unsure time and again. But Daddy didn't give up on me at all - all I have to do was to rest in the knowledge that He has everything in His hands, and that He won't ever shortchange His beloved. Once God opened a door, no one can shut it. And if He chooses to shut a door, no man can ever open it. Being led to this point in my life and career right now is all part of the greater plan He has for me.

I can frankly say that I don't deserve the (unmerited) favour I'm enjoying at my workplace now, and especially with my boss. There are lots more people who are better qualified than me, yet Daddy placed me in this department (which was what I've always wanted right from the start) so that I can learn, regardless of the tears, second-guessing, boredom and complaints I've shed and harboured. For that, I'm truly grateful.

Anyway, moving forward into 2010, I hope to have a more fulfilling job, and despite the challenges I'll definitely face, I will take them in stride for God is my defense Amen!

My take-away from the fantastic CG yesterday:
- "With God everything is possible." (Matt 19:26)

Anyway, I would just like to end off this post with my resolutions for 2010:
1) Have a closer relationship with God and more faith
2) Treat my family better
3) Be a more caring/loving/supportive/cheerful gf
4) To curb my spending

Till then again, labour into His rest for 2010!! :)

It seems that Daddy God's speaking to me today, especially after all the complaints and misgivings I have about my boss. No matter how bad things may be or how difficult my boss is, I will bring Jesus into my situation and rest in the knowledge that He has it all in His hands. Nothing is too big or small for Him Amen. :) I will learn with humility and also to improve myself as much as possible.

"Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."
- Proverbs 11:2

Back to reality tomorrow.

真希望能永远逃避现实。

Had my half year appraisal today and it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm so unreceptive to criticisms, but truth be told, I haven't the slightest idea what my boss was saying.
The only thing that came through loud and clear was his intention to get rid of me. Lacing it with all those niceties doesn't hide the ugly truth that he wants me transferred.
At the heart of it all, I want to try all means and ways to prove him wrong. That I've what it takes, and if not, I'd try my best to cultivate those qualities he deems suitable.
At the same time, I feel unsure again. As if the itchy feet syndrome's back.
I don't know - I think all he did was to confuse me, because I've no idea what he was driving at, and all the while I'm hoping he'd give me some concrete examples.
Feedback's good of course - it gives you an idea what areas to improve on. But not when it makes you feel inferior and unwanted.
Once again I'm floundering, trying to search for that strength within which doesn't seem to exist at all.

不想打退堂鼓，但一失去勇气和坚持下去的信念，一切也只不过是过眼云烟。
心好乱，又想逃避现实 － 这一次放假必定是对的决定。

It all started with a panicky phone call from my aunt when I was on my way out for lunch on Wed, then came the endless days & nights of tears, disbelief, guilt and regret.

Tears for not being able to rush to the hospital in time to see him for the last time.
No more booming voice and that hearty laugh of his.
Disbelief at the news that came so suddenly.
Guilt for not having visited him often enough, always thinking "there'll still be time".
Regretful at not being a better and more filial granddaughter.

It's uncanny how he seemed able to sense when his own time was almost up, doing all the things he wouldn't have normally done.

Staring at his photo just brought back repeatedly the image of his peaceful face lying on that hospital bed, just like he was only in a deep sleep...

All we can do now is to treasure Ah Ma and to visit her more often. Afterall, who but her'll feel the hurt and pain so much worst than us?

At the end of it, there's no point in anything anymore when all's been said and done.

Rest in peace, my beloved Ah Gong.

Looking at past & present photos of me, I noticed the transformation. Not only in terms of appearance, but also temperament. No doubt I'm feeling happier now, and yet I'm still constantly learning to find rest and peace in His finished work, and to bring Him into whatever situation I'm confronted with.

So far I've felt very blessed - He always manages to turn around whatever bad situations I'm in, especially at work. I've so thankful I've a Daddy who still loves me although I'm undeserving, and in spite of all the many flaws I have. I felt really lousy and emo today. Looking at the amount of work still waiting for me and feeling unloved for some reason. But luckily, I still have a Daddy who showers me with unconditional love.

As such, I really thank Him for...
A job I enjoy, with wonderful colleagues.
Always geting me out of the tight corners I'm in.
Lifting my weary soul and spirit whenever they need a boost.
Providing an outlet where I can always turn to to find rest and refreshing.

Knowing that He's always walking with me gives me fresh confidence to face another day anew... =)

Learning to deal with the curve balls work has thrown my way again.
Everytime I cautiously breathe a sigh of relief, I'm handed with yet another hurdle.
But before I start whining, I always tell myself to bring Him into my situation and be thankful for whatever happens, for the chances that present themselves, unwanted or not.
As it is, I'm learning so much more, and it's nice to have so much favour as well.
On a sidenote, the bf's coming back in 23 days' time! =D
Yup, till then again.

The harder you try to fill that void, the emptier you feel.

What's it like to have a strong conviction in something?
To abandon all doubts and to believe truly in that conviction?

Worrying about my finances now.
Somehow, after 9 months of work, I don't seem to have saved up at all.
The feeling of constantly counting every penny and monitoring my expenditure drains me.

Circling back yet again to that purpose in life.
Where art thou?

love always protects; trusts; hopes; perseveres.

.him .rainydays .chocolates

what

I

want

♥geok
♥jess
♥mel
♥pam
♥teng


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